BennettSpotting

Vernon

El Presidente

Chainmail Vest

Col. John Matrix

The Vigilante

Walker

Triggerhappy

Alli

Sequel Ideas

Commando Episode 2: The Phantom Bennett

(Suggested by Col_John_Matrix on IMDB.com)

A LONG TIME AGO IN AN ARNIE MOVIE FAR FAR AWAY:

Luke Matrixwalker is searching the basement of Arius’ Death Star. Out of nowhere Darth Bennett appears holding Princess Jenny and shoots Matrixwalker in the arm with a blaster. Matrixwalker hides behind a wall:

Darth Bennett: “Luke? Stick your head out Luke! I’ll make it quick…One shot, right between the eyes!”
Matrixwalker: “Stop screwing around and let the Princess go! It’s me that you want!”
Bennett: “hahahahaha….”
LM: “Come on Bennett. Throw away that chickenshit blaster….you’re strong with the Dark Side, you want to stick a Lightsabre in me!”
DB: “I can beat you Luke! You’re not a Jedi yet!”
LM: “Come on Bennett, let’s party!”
DB: “I don’t need the Princess! I don’t need the blaster! I’M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!!!”

After a long lightsabre fight Matrixwalker electricutes Bennett with Force Lightning, which only powers him up! Luke is beaten to the ground by a furious Bennett:

“Oh Luke I feel good! I can feel the Force flowing through me, just like old times! You’re a dead man Luke!”
LM: “Buuuullllsh*t!”

Luke beats Bennett back with a flurry of punches…Bennett pulls a blaster rifle out and gets ready to shoot Luke:

“I’m not going to shoot you between the eyes! I’m going to shoot you between the balls!”

Suddenly General Kirby’s spirit appears and urges Luke to “Use the Force, silently and smoothly just like always”. Quickly Luke hurls a pipe at Bennett using the power of the force, which kills Bennett and hits the Death Stars reactor core. Luke rescues the Princess and escapes in a Sea Plane before the Death Star explodes. Cue cheesy 80’s rock music.

T4: Rise Of The Bennett

(Suggested by Col_John_Matrix on IMDB.com)

The film starts in the future, when mankind led by Jenny Matrix (it turns out that John Connor didn’t actually lead the resistance, he was juts a decoy) destroys skynet and defeats the machines. However they discover that just before skynet was destroyed it sent back it’s most powerful, terrifying, unstoppable killing machine yet…and this time it is targeted on Jenny, with the mission to kill her in the year 1985. Jenny re-programmes the Terminator (that the machines modeled on her dad) and sends it back in time to protect her….
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Cut to: 1985. Scene: A village people concert

There is a bright flash…revealing the T-B(ennett). T-B scans the area (we see it through his eyes, the red display). There is a small group of men on their way to a village people concert, looking at the nude T-B with puzzled expressions. Through the red point of view shot we see the T-B checking his mission parameters:

“PRIORITY 1) Acquire camp clothing
PRIORITY 2) Terminate Jenny Matrix”

He walks up to the group of men and scans them to try and find suitable clothes:

1st man: Rejected – wrong size
2nd man: Rejected – ugh! No thanks. Think I’ll give it a pass.
3rd man: Rejected – not camp enough
4th man: Scanning…match.

T-B: “Give me your clothes”
Man: “What? Go f*** yourself, *beep*!”
T-B: “Give me your clothes, and shut your mouth!”
=============================
Cut to: Matrix’s log cabin.

A young Jenny and John Matrix are outside enjoying life, feeding deers, eating ice cream, chopping wood etc. when suddenly there is a bright flash of lightning.
Jenny: “What was that?”
Matrix: “Go to yuhr ruhm und hide! Ah’ll investigate”

Matrix looks into his shed, and sees the Terminator standing there. The Terminator briefly explains what is going on….
Terminator: “We have to go. There isn’t much time. The T-B will try to aquire Jenny here. I don’t know if I can stop him.”
Matrix: “Der T-B? What do you meen?”
Terminator: “He is an advanced prototype. He has all the strength of Bennett, yet none of his weaknesses. His liquid metal chainmail vest makes him invincible to pipes and steam.”

Bennett And Louise

(Suggested by stevealmost on IMDB.com)

A moving drama/road movie where Gina Davis and Bennett travel across America after Bennett accidentally kidnaps the police chiefs daughter (Milano) who was attempting to rape Davis in a car park. The movie spirals out of control when Bennett enlists the Colombian military to help cover their tracks and prevent police chief Matrix catching up with them.

Another good scene is where Bennett is seduced by a passing cowboy (Pitt) who then tries to steal his chain mail vest.

At the end, instead of ramping off a cliff, Bennett tells Davis they can make it gesturing to the huge pipe and steam factory up ahead… the rest is history.

When Harry Met Bennett

(Suggested by stevealmost on IMDB.com)

I see this movie as an awkward cinematic fusion of adult romantic comedy and the 80s action movie. It will be co-directed by Rob Reiner and James Cameron.

The movie opens with a title card telling us the year is 1985. We then see a brief flashback to the ending of Commando. We see the infamous ‘Let off some steam, Bennett’ moment. “Leave anything for us” asks Major Kirby (James Olson) on the beach. “Just bodies” replies Matrix. But no! We cut to a scene where we see Bennett pulling the pipe out of his chest. It appears the chain mail limited the damage. Kirby’s troops storm the boiler room but Bennett is gone. We see him crawl toward Matrix’s discarded rubber-dingy, steal it and paddle off into the sunset, cackling maniacally…

Then we cut to a title card telling us the year is 1977. Thus begins the Rob Reiner section. We see Bennett, as a college student, hitch a ride with Harry (Billy Crystal) to New York. During their road trip, Harry continuingly argues that “a man and another man, especially one with a handlebar moustache, can’t ever be friends. It will always be underpinned by a desire to have sex.” Bennett, still in denial about his blatant homosexuality, claims this is nonsense. They arrive in New York and go their separate ways.

After several failed relationships, they meet up again in 1982 and have a few arguments, mainly about the whole issue of whether men can be friends with other men with handlebar moustaches without wanting sex. They go their separate ways, but in 1984, Bennett joins to leave the army and become a bloodthirsty killer in Matrix’s (who he secretly loves) unit. The rest of this story can be found in Commando (1985)

The next title card comes up and tells us the year is 1987. Bennett, having survived Matrix’s pipe attack, returns to New York, meets up with Harry again and they become inseparable friends. They discuss relationships and sex a lot (which reaches its embarrassing high when Bennett demonstrates how to fake an orgasm in a restaurant) but don’t actually realize they are in love. One night, Bennett finds out that Matrix, his former love, has remarried (to Rae Dawn Chong). He calls Harry round and, after many tears, they end up making passionate man love.

This ruins their relationship for a few months but, at a New Year party, they realize they are soul mates. They want to marry immediately and can think of no better place to do so than San Francisco. However, the newly elected Governor Matrix of California (Schwarzenegger) is a well-known homophobe (as we know from his ‘Girl George’ comments in Commando) and won’t tolerate gay marriage in his jurisdiction. His solution is to make homosexuality illegal in his state. Horrified Bennett storms the Governor’s house and kidnaps Jenny (yes, again!), hides out on Alcatraz Island and hires an army of South American bandits. Matrix is given ransom demands. Either revoke the legislation outlawing homosexuality within the next 10 hours, or you’ll never see Jenny again.

Matrix, never one for negotiations, paddles his way across the San Francisco Bay (in a dingy and, of course, wearing Speedos) and proceeds to massacre hundreds of bandits as he stomps around Alcatraz with an array of deadly weapons. This culminates, of course, with the second great boiler room brawl between Matrix and Bennett.

And…that’s as far as I’ve got. Any endings/alterations/suggestions for stupid quips would be much appreciated. To be continued…

Pretty In Chain Mail

(Suggested by Captain_Scumbag on IMDB.com)

After the box office smash that was ‘When Harry Met Bennett’, a whole new cinematic genre, the gay-rom-com-blast-em-up, was born. Following in its footsteps is “Pretty In Chain Mail”, co-directed by John Hughes and John McTiernan.

Set in 1986, Vernon Wells stars as Bennett, a teenager from the wrong side of the tracks. Abandoned by his mother and left stranded with a dead-beat, alcoholic father, Bennett has little money and relies on thrift stores for clothing. Feeling that it will suit his image as a bohemian-cum-punk, he buys a $3 pair of leather pants and a £1.50 chain mail vest.

This attire leads most people at his school to ridicule him. Not only is he poor but he now also has the gayest outfit in the entire school. Suffice to say this is the mid-eighties and middle-America ignorance still believes that all gay people have HIV/ AIDS and thus homophobia is rife. However, despite merciless bullying, Bennett manages to attract two admirers.

The first of these is Duckie (Anthony Michael Hall), Bennett’s best friend who makes no secret of the fact that he is dangerously obsessed with Bennett, especially his leather pants. He comes out with disturbing comments like ‘Can I admire your pants again today.’ Normally, Bennett would take out a restraining order, but Duckie is the only friend he’s got and so puts up with it.

The other admirer is Blaine Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger), the most popular rich-kid in the entire school. He is the leader of a whole group of polo shirt wearing, Republican voting, homophobes (also in the gang is James Spader, Andrew McCarthy and the kid who played Zack Morris in Saved By The Bell), who are largely responsible for the daily bullying of Bennett. But Blaine can’t help it. There’s just something about this Bennett, or at least something about his leather pants. Although it alienates him from his friends and breaks several social mores, he asks Bennett out on a date, much to the disgust of Duckie.

Who will Bennett take to the high school prom? Who cares! Bill Duke is hired by Duckie to assassinate Blaine Matrix. There’s an epic car-chase, which ends when Blaine pulls into a cheap motel. Dropping the guns, they slug it out inside a cheap motel room in an extended homage to the scene in Commando. Duke ends up impaled on another spike, and Blaine, knowing Duckie is behind the attempted hit, speeds his porch back towards town.

However, Duckie has kidnapped Bennett and taken him to a tropical island and has hired another South American army of bandits. Blaine Matrix paddles his Speedo-wearing ass out to that island in an inflatable dingy, arms himself with every weapon under the sun and proceeds to slaughter the army of bandits. This culminates in a showdown in a boiler room.

////

(Duckie appears in front of Blaine, holding a gun to Bennett’s head)

Blaine Matrix: Come on, Duckie, let the Bennett go. It’s me that you want.

Duckie: Actually, no its not. I actually want Bennett, not you.

Blaine Matrix: Then why are you holding a gun to his head?

Duckie: Bennett loves you. If I can’t have him, no one can. So, either leave this island immediately or I will shoot between the eyes. One shot.

Blaine Matrix. Come on, Duckie, throw away that chickenshit gun. Put the knife in me. See what’s going on when you turn it.

Duckie: You must think I’m fucking insane. You’re played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I’ve seen Commando. You’re a killing machine. What man would seriously be dumb enough to think he could take you in armed-to-armed combat. Anyone who would be that deluded would –

Bennett: Shut you mouth Duckie. He only had one arm.

Duckie: What?

Bennett: Matrix only had one arm. When I dropped the gun and fought him, he only had one arm. I could have beat him. I would have too, were it not for that pipe.

Duckie: What pipe? What are you talking about.

Blaine Matrix: This pipe

(Blaine rips a pipe off the wall, and throws it at Duckie impaling him, and causing some steam to come out of his body)

Blaine Matrix: Let off some steam, Duckie.

Bennett: Hold on, you can’t use that one-liner again. You’ve already used it on me.

Blaine. You’re right. (ponders…) We could toss him in this incinerator and make a witty remark about roast Duckie! Ha-Ha-Ha!!!

Bennett: No, that’s just not funny.

Blaine Matrix: Don’t blame me, Bennett. Captain Scumbag is writing this shit.

Bennett: Yeah, what is it with that Captain Scumbag fool? This is the second gay lover story/ action movie he’s written for us in as many days. Perhaps he is gay?

Blaine Matrix: Who knows?. Come on Bennett, we’ve got a prom to go to.

(They walk off into the sunset as ‘We Fight For Love’ by Power Station plays as the credits role)

Sleepless In Seattle 2

(Suggested by Diagoro on IMDB.com)

Hanks is a recent widower who is seeking someone new. Hanks’ son Jonah, is also looking for a new mother, so when Jonah puts his father on national radio, hundreds of women write to him. One of the “women” is Bennett. He’s engaged to Matrix, but he’s always away on commando missions. Bennett goes to great lengths to meet Hanks, eventually meeting him on top of the Empire State Building. Hanks, shocked that Bennett is really a mustached gay mercenary and not a demure blond woman, runs away to Seattle. Bennett, enraged, puts an evil plan into action. “I have an edge, I have his son.” Bennett kidnaps Jonah and offers Hanks an ultimatum.. his son for bum love. Hanks, emotionally distraught by the blackmail never sleeps again. Jonah grows up to be Bennett’s son.

(Quote from Empire Magazine)

“Following ‘Sleepless in Seattle 2′ was a hard job for Hanks and Bennett. They tried to kindle their chemistry once more in ‘You’ve got Chainmail’ but it was a box office flop. Despite this set back Hanks and Bennett still enjoy their careers as the cream of Hollywood. Hanks is set to star in another crap family film while Bennett will be starring in the upcoming blockbuster remake of Spartacus. ‘I was born for this role’ says Bennett” (Empire 2004)

The Following are all from Col_John_Matrix on IMDB.com

Bennetts Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Chainmail Vest

Swashbuckling adventure. Captain John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) must sail the high seas in pursuit of the evil Capt. Bennett, who has kidnapped his daughter. Capt. Bennett is holding Jenny Matrix to ransom, to blackmail Matrix, as Capt. Matrix is the only one who has the strength to hurl the ancient Aztec Golden Pipe through Bennett’s cursed Chainmail vest, and therefore lift the zombie-curse that haunts Bennett and his ship, The Freddie Mercury.

Bennett and the Chainmail Factory

Childrens adventure, loosly based on Charlie and the Chocolate factory. Bennett is a child who lives in poverty in Austrailia, who one day finds a magical Golden ticket wrapped inside the Chainmail vest he got for his birthday. He then embarks on a wonderful adventure inside the Chainmail factory, owned by the reclusive and mysterious General Kirby.

Four Weddings and a Chainmail Vest/Four pipes and a funeral

Spider-Bennett

Bennett Gump

Obvious Jenny references….”My mom always said that life was like a chainmail vest. Y’never know what you’re gonna get”
“Run Bennett, run!”
“That looks like a real comfy chainmail vest.”
“Want a chainmail vest?”
“My name’s Bennett, Bennett Gump”

Ben-nett-Hur

Dude, where’s my chainmail?

and saving the best for last…..The Texas Chainmail Massacre